I miss you to the core. Every fiber of my being remembers you. From touch, to smell, taste to feel. Sometimes I randomly burst into tears because I am truly unhappy. I am dissatisfied with my life. Not only because you are no longer in it, but because I no longer value it as I once did. The same things that once brought me joy, seem only to exist now. I smile and I laugh, she’d tears of joy. But more often than not, these emotions only feel half felt. It’s almost like I’m existing but no longer living. I don’t feel or seem as alive and I don’t feel like myself. I don’t like where this path has led me. I don’t like where I’m at. I can appreciate the journey, but only to an extent when I feel so unhappy. I want to smile from my soul. I want to laugh from my heart and smile because I truly feel joy. I want to feel something genuine. I don’t want another notch in my belt or a moment of numbness. I want to feel better and be better.
I want to cure myself.
Gonna take a hot shower. Smoke a bowl. And watch some tv. By myself. At home. Alone.
My weekends are so fucking eventful.
A lot has happened in the last 6 months. It’s a lot to process at times. But with every day that I push myself, I find it easier to let go. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. I’ve hated myself more than I have in a very long time. And I’ve beat myself down for allowing him to hurt me the way he had and continue to do so. But I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I’ve accepted the apology that I will never receive. And I think that I could possibly love again one day even though I thought it to be impossible a week ago.
Meeting one person can change your whole perspective. I am optimistic that there is hope for me. That there is room to heal. That I could learn to love again and not fear the outcome. There is always hope. I just have to keep reminding myself.
I know I’m only hurting myself. But it’s almost like pain is a good thing in my mind because at least I’m feeling something, anything at all. Causing myself pain means he’s still in my life. I can speak to him and see him. Even though its not the way I’d like to. Not only is he mindfcking me and playing with my emotions and using me and my body, but I am doing it to myself. I allow it. I welcome the heartache. I just can’t seem to let him go. I have yet to grow a pair and tell him everything in one breath of how I feel and what I need. I’m breaking my own heart all over again. I’m struggling between following my heart and listening to what my brain is telling me.
I can’t keep my head above my heart.
Some things never change.
Ain’t it a damn shame.
With summer approaching I’m starting to look back on the previous summers I have had in the recent years. They’ve consisted of drinking, partying, making bad decisions and getting high on the daily. That was my normal summer until I started dating my boyfriend last summer. He has grounded me and tamed me. I’ll admit, I miss having weed in my life. And I broke my sobriety last month with one puff. It had been over a year since I had smoked before that. But I don’t regret it one bit. I think I need to allow myself to let loose once in a while. I’m still young and wild! I know things are going to get crazy this summer now that my best friend is 21. There are definitely going to be many drunken, crazy nights. I just hope my boyfriend is ready for what he’s about to witness because he’s always teased me about being such a conservative drinker. IF ONLY HE KNEW what I used to be like. Actually, it’s great that he has no idea because those were not my best times…I just don’t want to revert back to my old ways.
RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.
Haven’t worked out in SO fricking long and I decide to run. Of all things, RUN. Really? Definitely not my strong point. I can run to save my life, don’t get me wrong. But just to exercise? IT’S TORTURE. I’m trying to remember what I loved about running in the first place. I remember running every day when I was in h.s and had a great neighborhood to run in. I loved it. Now it’s so hard on my body and I’ve lost my form and motivation. I just end up in horrible pain the next day. I need to get back into it. Time to get my health in check and then my life should follow. Things are so crazy I need that escape again. I NEED TO RUN FREE!
My bfs friends are better to me than he is. I swear its ridiculous how much of an ass he can be at times. Alcohol plays no factor in my mind. Seriously getting over it. I need to get my own space and life together. Over being so damn unappreciated.