I know I’m only hurting myself. But it’s almost like pain is a good thing in my mind because at least I’m feeling something, anything at all. Causing myself pain means he’s still in my life. I can speak to him and see him. Even though its not the way I’d like to. Not only is he mindfcking me and playing with my emotions and using me and my body, but I am doing it to myself. I allow it. I welcome the heartache. I just can’t seem to let him go. I have yet to grow a pair and tell him everything in one breath of how I feel and what I need. I’m breaking my own heart all over again. I’m struggling between following my heart and listening to what my brain is telling me.
I can’t keep my head above my heart.
Some things never change.
Ain’t it a damn shame.
With summer approaching I’m starting to look back on the previous summers I have had in the recent years. They’ve consisted of drinking, partying, making bad decisions and getting high on the daily. That was my normal summer until I started dating my boyfriend last summer. He has grounded me and tamed me. I’ll admit, I miss having weed in my life. And I broke my sobriety last month with one puff. It had been over a year since I had smoked before that. But I don’t regret it one bit. I think I need to allow myself to let loose once in a while. I’m still young and wild! I know things are going to get crazy this summer now that my best friend is 21. There are definitely going to be many drunken, crazy nights. I just hope my boyfriend is ready for what he’s about to witness because he’s always teased me about being such a conservative drinker. IF ONLY HE KNEW what I used to be like. Actually, it’s great that he has no idea because those were not my best times…I just don’t want to revert back to my old ways.
RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.
Haven’t worked out in SO fricking long and I decide to run. Of all things, RUN. Really? Definitely not my strong point. I can run to save my life, don’t get me wrong. But just to exercise? IT’S TORTURE. I’m trying to remember what I loved about running in the first place. I remember running every day when I was in h.s and had a great neighborhood to run in. I loved it. Now it’s so hard on my body and I’ve lost my form and motivation. I just end up in horrible pain the next day. I need to get back into it. Time to get my health in check and then my life should follow. Things are so crazy I need that escape again. I NEED TO RUN FREE!
My bfs friends are better to me than he is. I swear its ridiculous how much of an ass he can be at times. Alcohol plays no factor in my mind. Seriously getting over it. I need to get my own space and life together. Over being so damn unappreciated.
I clean. I feed. I love. I cater. I’m always there. I’m constant, never faltering. And this, this is how I’m treated.
Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe I’m not worthy of his love and utmost respect. Maybe I’m just not who or what he wants and needs. But at least I know I damn sure tried to be.
I wonder how long I can live off of just coffee and cereal. I’m determined to lose weight by valentines day. It makes me sick to look in the mirror. I want my bf to want me more. It’s sad, I know but at this point idc. I’m over feeling like I’m not good enough.
I’m gonna guess that eating this whole bowl of ramen isn’t going to help me lose more weight by this weekend lol I need to go running and do some core workouts because I don’t want to go to the beach this weekend with my boyfriend and not only scare him with how powdery white I am but then on top of that I’ll be like the human jiggly puff about to eat him. SO not the business. I’ve been slowly losing weight and my stomach has been relatively flat lately. But even though I’m pretty much the same weight I was last year when I was dieting and exercising, I’m not toned like I was then cause I haven’t been working out. Ughh. And you’d think having a gym rat for a bf would make me try harder. Well, it’s definitely motivating me now. Almost there. Just like 10lbs more and ill be stoked. Already down about 6 or 7 but another 10 would make me content
I need to know, what boyfriend would turn down sex from their gf?! Unless there is something wrong or he’s just no attracted to her. I’m starting to wonder. I just don’t feel good enough anymore…
HAHAHAHAHA I JUST ALMOST PEED MYSELF wholyshitthelaughsandfeeelssss