"One day you’ll look back on this and realize just how much I cared and just how badly you fucked up. "
this song speaks to my soul
I can appreciate how hard my best friend has tried to make this guy and I “date”. But to be frank, if he wanted to make it happen then he would. I get that he is incredibly shy, but so am I. This can go nowhere with the both of us creeping around each other. I don’t want to play a game of cat and mouse. But I also don’t want to have to be the aggressor. I guess it’s just figuring out if I find him worth the effort and putting myself out there.
Hmph. Decisions. I hate making them.
In a few days it will make a year since that ass hole tore at my soul. And still it’s a daily struggle of living days full of daily reminders of him. Every single fucking thing. Everywhere I look. No matter the time of day or circumstance. It kills me little by little. No, it hasn’t gotten any easier. But I’m slowly learning to cope every day so I can seem somewhat normal. I’ve been doing every thing I can to live a normal life since then. But I’ve been living a miserable lie. I’m not over him. And I’ve tried to get over him. Getting under someone else didn’t work for me. The third time wasn’t the charm. It’s just been a vicious cycle. I am truly unhappy with where my life is and I can’t give enough fucks to change it. This has been one of the hardest years of my life so far filled with more than one loss and not just the loss of a lover, but of a loved one very near and dear to my heart. I’ve felt heart ache on many different levels and I haven’t really dealt with any of it up close and personal. I’ve been sweeping it under the rug of everyday life and bullshit. I’d rather not deal with what’s really eating me inside. It’s too painful. So I’m doing what I do best. Saying FUCK IT. I can’t give enough fucks to make it better so I’m making things how I used to when I was more myself and had a backbone. I’m setting that bridge ablaze. He can go fuck himself. He no longer means shit to me. I told him not to push me to this point because once that bridge is burned, you’re dead to me. You mean nothing. I don’t hate anyone. But I feel deep anger towards him. I never wanted it to come to this point, but it’s the only way I know I can move on.
It is what it is.
FUCK IT, FUCK YOU, AND YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Ok that made me cry
My heart just bursts.
If I could have an out of body experience, I would with every ounce in me, punch myself in the face. Because if I want to act like a dumb ass, I should look like one too. I should wear my shame. Because sometimes I feel like I’m a shameless twat with no dignity. God I am so lame.