Thailand in December?
It seems quite far fetched but it would be amazing. Spending two weeks there with one of my best friends helping others who are in need? That would be such a great life experience.
without you. "
I’m sick of every thing, every place being attached to a memory of us. I want to go to somewhere new and make new memories to replace the old, none of which will include you.
"Keep your heart busy, because if you don’t, your mind will take you places that will bring you to tears. "
I miss you to the core. Every fiber of my being remembers you. From touch, to smell, taste to feel. Sometimes I randomly burst into tears because I am truly unhappy. I am dissatisfied with my life. Not only because you are no longer in it, but because I no longer value it as I once did. The same things that once brought me joy, seem only to exist now. I smile and I laugh, she’d tears of joy. But more often than not, these emotions only feel half felt. It’s almost like I’m existing but no longer living. I don’t feel or seem as alive and I don’t feel like myself. I don’t like where this path has led me. I don’t like where I’m at. I can appreciate the journey, but only to an extent when I feel so unhappy. I want to smile from my soul. I want to laugh from my heart and smile because I truly feel joy. I want to feel something genuine. I don’t want another notch in my belt or a moment of numbness. I want to feel better and be better.
I want to cure myself.
Gonna take a hot shower. Smoke a bowl. And watch some tv. By myself. At home. Alone.
My weekends are so fucking eventful.
A lot has happened in the last 6 months. It’s a lot to process at times. But with every day that I push myself, I find it easier to let go. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. I’ve hated myself more than I have in a very long time. And I’ve beat myself down for allowing him to hurt me the way he had and continue to do so. But I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I’ve accepted the apology that I will never receive. And I think that I could possibly love again one day even though I thought it to be impossible a week ago.
Meeting one person can change your whole perspective. I am optimistic that there is hope for me. That there is room to heal. That I could learn to love again and not fear the outcome. There is always hope. I just have to keep reminding myself.
I know I’m only hurting myself. But it’s almost like pain is a good thing in my mind because at least I’m feeling something, anything at all. Causing myself pain means he’s still in my life. I can speak to him and see him. Even though its not the way I’d like to. Not only is he mindfcking me and playing with my emotions and using me and my body, but I am doing it to myself. I allow it. I welcome the heartache. I just can’t seem to let him go. I have yet to grow a pair and tell him everything in one breath of how I feel and what I need. I’m breaking my own heart all over again. I’m struggling between following my heart and listening to what my brain is telling me.
I can’t keep my head above my heart.